need to stop getting super excited every time i see a sign that a mutual is a thinking person (for example, demonstrating the ability to empathize and understand people they disagree with). it's a leftover reaction from the period of time where i'd just fall (in love) for anyone who looked like they agreed with me in a meaningful way, using the promise of attention and affection to try to capture their attention. i know how easily that stuff can be faked now, i just didnt expect others to be so blind to parts of themselves i'd be able to see (and be looking for) in myself. i'm just so used to being a deeply lonely person that i've just wired myself to try to rope in people who make me feel like i'm talking to another human being and not just myself. but i'm not alone anymore. i dont have to do that, and while i want to help create liferafts for interesting people i really need to get focused and prepare for my future so i can actually successfully make those liferafts
i also have this need to teach people all these cool things i've learned so they can grow in ways that make them more able to have human conversations with me, but that's a really bad habit in some cases. when learning about yourself you generally only make progress when you are exploring and discovering for yourself, not interpreting directions. it only serves to attract people who're looking to follow directions, that are looking for you to fix (invest a lot of time and attention in) them. the best thing i can do to help others is lead by example and shine as bright as i can for those who want to grow with me. it's time to really try to unlearn a lot of my neuroticisms about detecting where someone is at mentally/emotionally so i can focus on myself. i dont really need to obsess about the specifics of where any of my partners are at now that i've got a pretty good read on all of them, i just need to give them the space to grow and learn the things they were too scared to learn as kids. my anxiety is going to stifle their progress towards that goal more than it'll give me useful info to help them get there
