lonely on a Sunday morning...
better to be lonely on the weekend than feel the excruciating totality of my misery on any given lively weekday, where my insecurities and worries are constantly validated.
it matters how that liveliness manifests, on whether the people occupying the same time and place as you are actually worthwhile or if you think that you deserve any possible liveliness.
my insincerity with myself and phoniness towards others has made me incapable of actually interacting with people in any meaningful way, and any connection is filtered through endless subculture code-switching rendering it meaningless.
but code-switching - when done in an appropriate way, something I've mastered - is extremely gratifying momentarily, leading to a bastardized connection, and that's better than wallowing in despair at one's room, no connections in sight, right?
obviously not, and it's the epitome of cowardice, of someone's inadequacy of either accepting themselves or changing for the better, something I'm not capable of doing right now due to my ego.
well, I don't really think it matters anyways, it's pretty late to think about how it could get better when every day is a glorified groundhog day, always leaving me so tired and depressed that I dissociate, only rarely being able to introspect.
maybe it will, maybe it won't; I'll still feel regret for not sorting these issues out when I was younger and for not creating solid friendships, online or otherwise.
even the military, where one supposedly forms strong and intimate connections couldn't get me out of my shell, I pussied out after a week there (wasting all my savings in the process!) because I couldn't even mutter a word without hating myself. I'll admit I was a special case since I was conscripted alone, so I was basically a newbie even for the newbies, something that alienated me even more, but still.
work is no exception, I'm the black sheep working in a factory, and it's not doing me any good.
all of this is meaningless, and I'm just finding post hoc justifications for my inability to sort my issues out.
@orphy if they cant get you out of your shell that's because you resisted them, you just need to straighten yourself out of the contortions you put your self through to resist them. i didnt resist them and the contortions i had to put my self through to get out after 2.5 years has still got me fucked up
@ZiaNitori do you mean that you kinda diluted yourself in order to fit in and are still suffering from the consequences? I really like your analogy here, puts it in perspective, and I hope everything will go well with you
in hindsight, going in and expecting for *them* to "get me out of my shell" was probably an unhealthy expectation in the first place, as I'm essentially putting the onus on others to sort out my issues for me instead of exiting my shell alone
also the mastodon notification sound is rly cute goddamn
@orphy i think that we learn behaviors to get out of giving adults what they want, but to do those behaviors we have to play a character, and, because we're young and not equipped with acting skills we have to method act, and believe ourselves to be those characters. all you gotta do is find a way to overcome whatever scared you enough to want to be like that
@ZiaNitori hmm, I'll try to contextualize this with my own trauma and see if it does actually apply to it, thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts i rly appreciate it
also i suppose the opposite is true, when young trying to appease to adults and giving them what they want, often in ways that might fall into this category of turning into characters. think a teachers pet who still carries the attitude of someone trying to stand out and impress into adulthood, for the most basic example. though I suppose that the positive reinforcement coming from appeasement makes this instance way more deliberate and more likely to stand out in one's memory, while the opposite is more subtle and might take a while to dig out.
im also now thinking how acting too, not just method acting, can be traumatizing and fuck you up in a sense, nice. just thinking out loud