in retrospect i think i waited too long to start the trip, its definitely going to make me asleep at the times when i need to get around to making calls to places
some of this behavior is good. i think it's good to be in a half dream state and think just a little bit more honestly about what it is that i want from others, and the person on my mind most frequently is someone i definitely benefit a lot from thinking about a lot, esp with how they brush up against my neuroticisms. the longer i think about them the more easily i'm able to see the person i need to be to help them grow (or probably more accurately, the more i can see what i need to stop doing that's preventing them from feeling safe enough to grow in the first place) and that person is more patient, less neurotic, and most of the time more or less entirely the kind of person i wanted to grow into anyway. it makes me feel safer and better prepared to engage with them (otherwise my default is to just gush affection in their general direction)
it's possible i'm using the period of the morning where i'm half asleep in a way that's not good. i spend too much time, lets call it, thinking about the very attractive and wonderful people i have in my life as a way to distract and disorient myself waking up so i dont remember to follow any clear and definite goals i set up for myself the day(s) prior