ZiaNitori @ZiaNitori@masto.anarch.cc

probably gonna take a break until later tho, talking to gillis feels like playing against a burn deck, i just keep getting worn down by the constant low levels of psychic damage. genuinely so hard to talk to someone with no real identity, they're always talking for the crowd

i think i'm a lot more comfortable looking like a crazy person on twitter. it's a skill diff if they cant understand me, they should work on being cooler

i can tell it's captivity i feel cause i pace around the kitchen exactly like i'd pace around my cell

**correction for the first post, i meant to write "but I end up applying it to a lot more things in general"

it feels like my whole life i've been trying to escape captivity and get to the woods. i'm pretty sure if i could have done literally anything i wanted as a kid it would have just been live at my grandparents camp up in the kahtadin lakes area. i got trapped in college and i escaped by not showing up to class or doing the paperwork for my student loans, i got trapped in employment, in the military no less, and i escaped by figuring out how to have a breakdown, i got trapped in employment again and tried to find a new way out which subsequently lead to me being captured by the police, but i managed to squirm my way out of there too. in nearly all of these periods of my life, the goal in mind was to get to a place where i could have the means to buy my grandparents old house that was near the camp while doing research work or something which to me basically sounds like play. i'm almost there, at least to the woods that is, just a few more years and i'm finally free. i suspect that when this happens i'm going to be much more successful with my attempts to restore my attention, something in me is just refusing to make real headway on this while i'm still in captivity.

i feel like i'm starting to get a better picture about the differences between me and a lot of other people, why i seem to do things slower but feel like i understand them better, why i'm less afraid but incredibly anxious, ect. i think generally speaking, i end up understanding things at a greater depth and am utilizing a distinctly different level of abstract thinking than a large number of people do. many still only utilize this kind of thinking in very specific circumstances, such as remembering social code, understanding rules/technical stuff for work, ect, but end up applying it to a lot more things in general. so because the rest of the kids in school are engaging with math on a much more surface level, i have the best understanding of math in the room minus potentially the teacher, i finish the test last and get the highest score in the class, nearly always 100's unless i didnt show my work out of spite. but i was really always almost the last person finishing the test. i'm not quite sure where i learned to think like this but if i had to guess it would be under the critical eye of my dad, not wanting to look foolish, and in doing so figured out how to be "more correct"/coherent than him. if my focus remained intact i suspect i would have been a savant at anything i dived into. there were a lot of signs of this, the most prominent one being how my family and others reacted to me learning the sax. but in that example also lies the mechanism by which i learned to obliterate my attention. you're never allowed to not want to please others so all you're ever able to do is make yourself disappoint them so they fuck off. we're all born into a prison that they keep you in with eye contact, attention, and incentives and something in me wanted to escape. i started getting uncomfortable if they could hear me, getting distracted by other things so much so that now if the link is made in my brain between doing something and someone possibly being happy about that, if they're not around it is significantly more difficult for me to do the thing in general unless i'm consciously using them wanting me to do the thing as a motivator, which seems to only go so far until i find a way to get lazy about it again. this is why using smoking as a motivator has seemed to be incredibly effective at getting me to do shit i consciously want to do.

i dont know when this happened, but i've returned to walking almost exclusively on my tip toes since i've lost weight. it feels so much better to be able to move like myself again, i cant wait to see what else changes by the end of this summer

i've had a ton of success with getting myself to workout and fast by motivating myself with weed and i feel like i'm getting dumber the longer i go without reading being a habit (chance thats the weed tho) and i feel like starting the day on the computer is also a big roadblock when it comes to finding the motivation to do other things like play the piano so i'm trying to keep myself to only being allowed to smoke if i start my day with reading and only smoking when i workout, run, practice singing in the woods and practice piano. i think i'll tie working out to hunger anxiety from fasting (you get hungry and kinda anxious like 4 hours after you eat but you dont actually need to eat, your body just wants you to remain vigilant about the source of food and wants you to store body fat), though i think i might want to limit how much volume of smoke i'm taking in for that and only smoke a significant amount for running and practicing piano. if things slip i think i'm not touching weed for a couple months

i lost all my firefox tabs and as a result fell out of habit on checking in here lol

now to keep up with music stuff (been doing guitar somewhat successfully)

it's so dope my abs are coming back

it's a mile walk/jog to where my PO's office is, i wonder if i can integrate checking in with my workout habits in general

fell off smoking habits, should probably get back on that since that makes it easier to slip on other things

it's wild that most people have internalized the idea that to be more attractive they have to become a really boring predictable automatic character. like sorry, the character you learned to play watching porn growing up isnt attractive to be around it's just you being lazy and probably cowardly, the only reason it works on other people is because both parties are desperate

starting to think i hate beauty as well as the general fascination with appearance, physical or otherwise

i dont even feel like i've got proper self discipline yet, i'm just maneuvering myself around my habits and trying to hold myself to a rule or two like "no smoking without working out first" or "no eating until a certain time of day"

i feel like more hard control over myself is possible and i'm getting more capable of it every day

my fasting is now pretty routine and i'm hovering at 180 and i'm still continuing to drop weight. going to get back into the heavier workout schedule i had before the girls came over where i only smoke after i work out and every time i feel anxiety i get up from the computer and work out. the plan is to slowly phase out smoking every time i work out to just be very occasional and eventually be able to take bigger tolerance breaks. this should happen within 2 weeks and if it doesnt i should probably just stop smoking and reset tolerance regardless. once the weather starts cooperating i'll be able to start my day with running which will make all of this shit significantly easier to be consistent on. my abs are already visible and not having all that fat on me has made me noticeably less sluggish and done wonders for my mood which is helping me keep up with practicing the guitar and helping me get myself set up to practice the piano. i still gotta find a consistent way to get out in the woods to practice singing and i gotta get in a routine that has me journaling throughout the day, but that probably gets easier when i'm running every morning cause journaling after a run feels pretty natural

i would like to have a clear delineation between which of you are illiterate or fascistic so i can narrow down my friend groups to include only people who i'm pretty sure arent retarded so i can speak and think more freely but basically everyone is a coward which in this and many other circumstances leaves them sending signals that overlap with signals sent by fascists

grow a fucking spine and tell culty fascists to blow their brains out, it's not fucking hard if you arent a servile little bitch