ZiaNitori @ZiaNitori@masto.anarch.cc

forgot to get to journalling today, need to start that as soon as i finish meditating tomorrow in the morning. i really need to not check twitter in the morning, it fucks my reward system up so hard

i also have this need to teach people all these cool things i've learned so they can grow in ways that make them more able to have human conversations with me, but that's a really bad habit in some cases. when learning about yourself you generally only make progress when you are exploring and discovering for yourself, not interpreting directions. it only serves to attract people who're looking to follow directions, that are looking for you to fix (invest a lot of time and attention in) them. the best thing i can do to help others is lead by example and shine as bright as i can for those who want to grow with me. it's time to really try to unlearn a lot of my neuroticisms about detecting where someone is at mentally/emotionally so i can focus on myself. i dont really need to obsess about the specifics of where any of my partners are at now that i've got a pretty good read on all of them, i just need to give them the space to grow and learn the things they were too scared to learn as kids. my anxiety is going to stifle their progress towards that goal more than it'll give me useful info to help them get there

need to stop getting super excited every time i see a sign that a mutual is a thinking person (for example, demonstrating the ability to empathize and understand people they disagree with). it's a leftover reaction from the period of time where i'd just fall (in love) for anyone who looked like they agreed with me in a meaningful way, using the promise of attention and affection to try to capture their attention. i know how easily that stuff can be faked now, i just didnt expect others to be so blind to parts of themselves i'd be able to see (and be looking for) in myself. i'm just so used to being a deeply lonely person that i've just wired myself to try to rope in people who make me feel like i'm talking to another human being and not just myself. but i'm not alone anymore. i dont have to do that, and while i want to help create liferafts for interesting people i really need to get focused and prepare for my future so i can actually successfully make those liferafts

man some people just worship misery

i feel like i'm growing faster than i ever have, ty psychedelics and amazing gfs

getting Mad at people wearing sweatshirts because they're mocking me. their lack of a bowtie is just to spit in my face. this aggression will not go unmatched. under socialism i will...

this website feels cozier

re: my fascist personality type post from main on twitter

i think politics is so much more coherent when you view it in terms of peoples personalities/psychological/behavioral tendencies and the flags they use and rhetoric they use to virtue signal just as tools to gain social power within groups that are formed. looking at it this way it feels inevitable to me that as people become more and more socialized and their personalities (at least the parts that matter) become more standardized the last few flickers of opposition are going to get extinguished

re: big 5 traits
what the fuck do you think agreeableness is? thats not a personality trait, thats a measure of how someones internalized abuse

god i fucking hate psychologists "big 5 personality traits" you are an astrologist with the authority to deploy state force to kidnap others