ZiaNitori @ZiaNitori@masto.anarch.cc

between the place where i can work out being dramatically colder than the rest of the apartment (/my retarded comfort seeking impulses) and the random bloody noses i've been getting that seem to be triggered by nothing, it's been really hard for me to feel up to doing any physical activity

gonna stay up to make some calls. gonna smoke a little to relax before doing that. if this leads to me not making the calls i'm not smoking (unless company is over) for a month at least

despite being less productive than i'd hoped, i'm still staying under 200lbs so that's dope. if i can get myself to go for a walk occasionally i might start pushing myself to be more active

woke up too late to make any of the calls i planned to make and genuinely cant tell if i need to stay up and do them in the morning before i go to sleep or go to sleep early

some of this behavior is good. i think it's good to be in a half dream state and think just a little bit more honestly about what it is that i want from others, and the person on my mind most frequently is someone i definitely benefit a lot from thinking about a lot, esp with how they brush up against my neuroticisms. the longer i think about them the more easily i'm able to see the person i need to be to help them grow (or probably more accurately, the more i can see what i need to stop doing that's preventing them from feeling safe enough to grow in the first place) and that person is more patient, less neurotic, and most of the time more or less entirely the kind of person i wanted to grow into anyway. it makes me feel safer and better prepared to engage with them (otherwise my default is to just gush affection in their general direction)

it's possible i'm using the period of the morning where i'm half asleep in a way that's not good. i spend too much time, lets call it, thinking about the very attractive and wonderful people i have in my life as a way to distract and disorient myself waking up so i dont remember to follow any clear and definite goals i set up for myself the day(s) prior

in retrospect i think i waited too long to start the trip, its definitely going to make me asleep at the times when i need to get around to making calls to places

very excited about this, new things to uncover about how zia works i suppose

nope, i actually lost it here, though i feel like that was more due to me distracting myself with allie. i was basically nonverbal the second the idea of watching myself was in play, like i'd been caught or something

wave of sexual arousal, but i still think i'm more or less communicable for all of it

obviously the most likely explanation is some kind of self deception but if that's the case i'm not sure how it works

finding the ways in which i make myself blind to myself are important and the best ways of doing that are often looking at the differences between you and others, and one thing that's come to my attention recently is that i have a different experience on acid than others seem to. it seems like my ego keeps appearing as if it's mostly intact when this seems to get obliterated in others

the goals of this trip arent very specific but the general direction is trying to get me more in a position to get my shit together now that the court shit is clearing up

tabs in, went with 2 this time because it felt like the right dose

acid day, think i'm gonna keep the posting mostly to here from now on

i remember before all of them became completely unthinking soldiers for china/russia i'd talk to some of them and while it was clear they were unthinking authority cucks who were just following whatever the group did, they were always a little lost, always a little unconfident, uncertain with their words. now that they've been given the proper story of the grand battle for History they know who the good guys and bad guys are and brainlessly shout slogans with all the confidence in the world

i've often thought that their place on the internet doesnt look organic because of how lockstep they get with certain countries every word and feel like this is the result of a really minimal amount of investment by countries like china and russia into social media. these people already wanted to act like a state, they just needed help in figuring out what flags to fly

re: post on main, i actually started calling MLs reactionary a long time back because to me a person was a reactionary if their politics were simply built at face value reaction to something else, not meaningfully critiquing or reframing it, but simply trying to agitate a mob in reaction to it and MLs locked in their battle for history against The West perfectly meet that definition

i wonder how much of my bad habits are just adaptations of the sneaky mindset i was in while living with my parents and getting away with staying up at night watching tv and playing games as long as i could