ZiaNitori @ZiaNitori@masto.anarch.cc

it's a mile walk/jog to where my PO's office is, i wonder if i can integrate checking in with my workout habits in general

fell off smoking habits, should probably get back on that since that makes it easier to slip on other things

it's wild that most people have internalized the idea that to be more attractive they have to become a really boring predictable automatic character. like sorry, the character you learned to play watching porn growing up isnt attractive to be around it's just you being lazy and probably cowardly, the only reason it works on other people is because both parties are desperate

starting to think i hate beauty as well as the general fascination with appearance, physical or otherwise

i dont even feel like i've got proper self discipline yet, i'm just maneuvering myself around my habits and trying to hold myself to a rule or two like "no smoking without working out first" or "no eating until a certain time of day"

i feel like more hard control over myself is possible and i'm getting more capable of it every day

my fasting is now pretty routine and i'm hovering at 180 and i'm still continuing to drop weight. going to get back into the heavier workout schedule i had before the girls came over where i only smoke after i work out and every time i feel anxiety i get up from the computer and work out. the plan is to slowly phase out smoking every time i work out to just be very occasional and eventually be able to take bigger tolerance breaks. this should happen within 2 weeks and if it doesnt i should probably just stop smoking and reset tolerance regardless. once the weather starts cooperating i'll be able to start my day with running which will make all of this shit significantly easier to be consistent on. my abs are already visible and not having all that fat on me has made me noticeably less sluggish and done wonders for my mood which is helping me keep up with practicing the guitar and helping me get myself set up to practice the piano. i still gotta find a consistent way to get out in the woods to practice singing and i gotta get in a routine that has me journaling throughout the day, but that probably gets easier when i'm running every morning cause journaling after a run feels pretty natural

i would like to have a clear delineation between which of you are illiterate or fascistic so i can narrow down my friend groups to include only people who i'm pretty sure arent retarded so i can speak and think more freely but basically everyone is a coward which in this and many other circumstances leaves them sending signals that overlap with signals sent by fascists

grow a fucking spine and tell culty fascists to blow their brains out, it's not fucking hard if you arent a servile little bitch

really depressing that my post criticizing obvious fascist retards like mao get noticeably less interaction because marxoid retards treat him like one of their holy figures so their ethics of reading the room keep them silent despite us having relatively similar stated politics

obviously thats not the case, but the conscious mind has to continue to be enchanted by others to have a chance at ensnaring another or getting to experience a boring thrill. just stupid games you learn to play when you're groomed into thinking that your heart beating fast is analogous to having fun by a society that runs on fear

i find someone wanting a sexual partner in the abstract to be similarly insane. sex is a conversation with another person and so many people seem to be entirely comfortable with getting off on small talk with strangers. how do so many people feel like their needs can be satisfied by a warm body that follows the rules? people are imbued with some special kind of magical power that can make objectively boring experiences into something enthralling that needs to be sought after endlessly apparently.

how does someone "want a partner" in the abstract? like how do you want a relationship in the abstract, how do you want someone that you dont even know? why is there some prescribed role you have in your life that you need a body to fill? if you want deeper and more substantial relationships in general in your life i get that, but that's not what's meant when "partner" is specified. a role is being referred to and it carries with it a set of expectations and behavioral rituals. what is desired is a compatible body that can keep up with the expectations, a body who's behavior is dominated by your will in some capacity. once this person moves into the relationship they wanted before, there's more that they want. maybe they want to be made to feel special, maybe they want to feel excited, a more ideal partner can be found in the mind and forced onto the actually existing partner at implied, and often obfuscated threat of breaking the social contract. they arent aware they're doing this and pointing this out to them would yield nothing except their unconscious mind finding a way out of the relationship sooner. at its absolute best a little bit of this kind of anxiety in a relationship can function like each person is pushing each other to be the best version of themselves that they can, but 99% of the time it's just two people just seeing how much they can dominate the others behavior until someone's unconscious realizes they're losing that battle and finds the first exit out.

literally everyone who has ever called yung a zionist, and i'd argue, all the people who saw that shit and didnt say shit about it is to some degree antisemitic. fascist politics are the politics of reading the room which is why nearly every coward is a fascist and every fascist is a coward

love to be reminded how antisemitic leftists are. they're been inundated with too many aggressive "free palestine" sloganeers and unconsciously know not to raise criticism when someone calls a random jewish person (who happens to criticize their antisemitism) a zionist. they know to back off and not take sides as soon as zionist is invoked and get wary of anyone who spends too long talking about antisemitism, especially anyone who talks about antisemitism on the left because they know that the charge of zionist is coming from leftists with more social capital. fucking cowardly little fascists

you've been taught to be dependent on this organism to survive instead of the environment around you, instead of the ecosystems that civilization sterilizes and metabolizes and it's not easy to learn these skills, because those of us that want to escape tend to be those who havent been able to fully integrate, often because we've made ourselves uncontrollable in some capacity. i learned to make my attention hard to capture and they gave me a diagnosis and medication for it as a kid, now as an adult, i have to unlearn this unconscious habit to have enough mastery over myself to learn these skills, to succeed in my escape. your antisocial behaviors, your hysteria, your inability to focus, your impulsiveness, your anger, your depression, your delusions are all beautiful and the only reason you have a chance at escaping the body of this beast because they allowed you to see it for what it is, but stopping there isnt enough. it has plenty of mechanisms to capture you if you dont keep moving, if you dont change to make these rigid automatic behaviors more flexible, more adaptable by your conscious mind, because nearly all of these things can be controlled by fear because that's the condition under which they were learned.

to follow up on the civilization is literally a living being post, i want to emphasize how literally i mean that. at one point single celled organisms grouped together by some initially accidental mechanism/circumstance that proved to be advantageous for their propagation and through time became so dependent on this arrangement, optimizing themselves solely for the survival of the greater organism than themselves. colony species represent yet another leap forward in the complexity of the organization of beings, and the same subjugation to the larger organism exists and will only intensify for mankind in civilization. civilization integrates bodies into itself through the control of incentives and the capture of attention (the dominant thing it works on being fear), it creates systems to optimize those bodies and destroy, kidnap and/or deincentivize the creation of bodies that dont provide advantage to it. nearly every religious and spiritual practice i've seen seems to be an unconscious attempt to gain favor with this beast by learning to perform some kind of servility, willingly offering up your mind and body to it to alleviate the distress that comes with captivity. nearly all political organization is just an attempt to create another beast to eat the current one from the inside out to gain advantage for some specific group within it's body often explicitly stating that it's goals are better for the function of leviathan (they'll use language like it being better for The People or some shit). morality is just another form of religion where Reason is used to dominate others into behaving in ways that are for the benefit of the whole. even more libertarian moral systems are just a way to see yourself as an individual agent with rights and responsibilities to others (not to offend them in any way that's Unjustified) because that's proved to be an incredibly effective tool of social control. if you do not wish to be captured you dont need a moral system for that, you just need to keep listening to the antisocial parts of you that they've been trying to beat out of you and just fucking run away. we all have urges in us to resist a cage, to evade captivity because we're only partially into this species's transformation into a singular being.

civilization is literally a living being and sees you as a part of it's body. if you do not pay it for a space to live in via rent or taxes you're restricted from growing things building things, reproduction (technically you can but it will snatch the body you've created for it to integrate into itself), ect. if you do not play a part in it's metabolic cycle as it devours the earth, you are denied everything you're likely to want. even once you manage to achieve this there's a thousand other mechanisms to make sure you're feeding into it's metabolism, and a thousand more for trying to capture any kids you have. it knows people are receptive to incentives and it knows how to create them and if you or your kid dont follow incentives in a predictable way they can diagnose you with a disorder and kidnap you. 90% of people are very consciously in favor of this state of affairs and those that arent are too confused about what precisely the issue is and end up wishing for a world almost exactly the same as what currently exists. the bots arent waking up. they're comfortable, and when they become uncomfortable they know how to cozy up to whatever beast can offer them protection in exchange for their labour and maybe in that process they call for things that make them feel freer like democracy or civil rights. the only liberation to be found is that in disentangling yourself from the beast and learning to live in the dangerous new ecosystem it dominates. if enough people do escape, over time i think it's very likely that there could be good reason to consider them a fundamentally different species because they're evolving in drastically different environments and if this occurs when leviathan is weakened from the natural disasters it creates it's possible that these groups could grow large enough to render an area effectively ungovernable which leads to a whole new world of possibilities, though i think they're more likely going to get exterminated by disease or bureaucracy