ZiaNitori @ZiaNitori@masto.anarch.cc

i'm not sure i actually like most of the people around me and i'm fairly certain most of them only liked me because i used to produce rhetoric that was useful to them and lost their attention when i stopped doing so as much. i only want to invest time in the people who want to understand and explore the world with me, not dance in the discourse in ways that please others

one of the topics that's been ringing around my head since my socdem days is "what causes society to change?" and as of recent it feels like the question is harder and harder to care about as my perspective changes from seeing society less and less as a collection of individuals and more as a machine reproducing itself. when faced with the question, "wont this make things worse?" my response feels like, "doesnt everything just keep getting worse?" more and more i cant seem to care about anything wrt society other than how to help people escape it as much as possible and if it's possible to kill the machine at all. everything else just seems like we're getting in arguments about what should be served for lunch

made the phonecalls finally

sleep schedule seems to be more or less on track now

fucked up making the calls yesterday but i should have it today

between the place where i can work out being dramatically colder than the rest of the apartment (/my retarded comfort seeking impulses) and the random bloody noses i've been getting that seem to be triggered by nothing, it's been really hard for me to feel up to doing any physical activity

gonna stay up to make some calls. gonna smoke a little to relax before doing that. if this leads to me not making the calls i'm not smoking (unless company is over) for a month at least

despite being less productive than i'd hoped, i'm still staying under 200lbs so that's dope. if i can get myself to go for a walk occasionally i might start pushing myself to be more active

woke up too late to make any of the calls i planned to make and genuinely cant tell if i need to stay up and do them in the morning before i go to sleep or go to sleep early

some of this behavior is good. i think it's good to be in a half dream state and think just a little bit more honestly about what it is that i want from others, and the person on my mind most frequently is someone i definitely benefit a lot from thinking about a lot, esp with how they brush up against my neuroticisms. the longer i think about them the more easily i'm able to see the person i need to be to help them grow (or probably more accurately, the more i can see what i need to stop doing that's preventing them from feeling safe enough to grow in the first place) and that person is more patient, less neurotic, and most of the time more or less entirely the kind of person i wanted to grow into anyway. it makes me feel safer and better prepared to engage with them (otherwise my default is to just gush affection in their general direction)

it's possible i'm using the period of the morning where i'm half asleep in a way that's not good. i spend too much time, lets call it, thinking about the very attractive and wonderful people i have in my life as a way to distract and disorient myself waking up so i dont remember to follow any clear and definite goals i set up for myself the day(s) prior

in retrospect i think i waited too long to start the trip, its definitely going to make me asleep at the times when i need to get around to making calls to places

very excited about this, new things to uncover about how zia works i suppose

nope, i actually lost it here, though i feel like that was more due to me distracting myself with allie. i was basically nonverbal the second the idea of watching myself was in play, like i'd been caught or something

wave of sexual arousal, but i still think i'm more or less communicable for all of it

obviously the most likely explanation is some kind of self deception but if that's the case i'm not sure how it works