ZiaNitori @ZiaNitori@masto.anarch.cc

thinking there's a correlation between how willing someone is to just respond to shit while they're half asleep without waking themselves up and how scared that person is of other people. it feels like the same jumps in reasoning are made when someone is just saying whatever random bullshit feels like a response to what someone just said out of context both in talking to someone while their half asleep and while getting into an argument in which they start getting defensive and that defensive behavior comes with an unthinking rigidity that to me is the signature of fear. i wish i could just give people the feeling i have of not needing to respond, of being comfortable enough with myself to not need to prove anything about myself to others or at least whatever is in me that gets me to act like that's true sometimes. it feels like a lot of yall learned to just look up to heros so they'd save you instead of trying to find the courage in you to be one

either gonna fast today or do acid tomorrow, then fast most likely the day after

so gillis didnt go thread mode, he just started talking like he was about to address my argument, never did and tried to spread a rumour about me being a discord cultist. how do yall not see how transparent these social climbing fascists are? they're running a simple script that's solving for social power, so they dont have the ability to process other things so when you get them to investigate a line of questioning their answers are hollow because fascists yearning for social power only want you to answer those questions as far as it allows them access to the ingroup. when the space is oversaturated with fascists they stop caring less and less about these rules and being consistent and they can just focus of making rhetoric that appeals to the sensibilities of fascists. yall just let them in because they wave a flag well, very fucking embarrassing, please improve your people skills

finished fight club!

falling behind where i expected to be in the duel links tourney so i'm probably not getting back on twitter until it's over so i can catch up. i'm halfway through fight club, though i skipped reading today for duel links and my weights been stagnating (i've definitely been eating more) so for that and other reasons i'm gonna fast today, might even fast for longer to help clear my head

explained that poorly, i'm falling back asleep because my body is still tired because i've been heavily working out, before i wasnt falling back asleep cause i'd get on the computer right after i woke up and i would have what felt like a normal amount of soreness after working out the day before, now, while i still feel sore it doesnt effect how hard i can work out the next day, at least not noticeably

oh today is the first day i successfully started the day reading. i've noticed now that i have the rule not to start the day on hte computer, i'll just start falling asleep again after i wake up. i think this is because i've been working out really heavily (relatively speaking) and normally i end up really sore the next day, but these last few days i've been able to keep up the same intensity and i've been sometimes even sleeping for like 12 hours. i stg my body just heals itself like i'm woverine or some shit if i just sleep instead of feeding my computer addiction lmao

i'd probably look cuter if i got tan. i gotta stop being nocturnal so i can go running a lot during the day

probably gonna take a break until later tho, talking to gillis feels like playing against a burn deck, i just keep getting worn down by the constant low levels of psychic damage. genuinely so hard to talk to someone with no real identity, they're always talking for the crowd

i think i'm a lot more comfortable looking like a crazy person on twitter. it's a skill diff if they cant understand me, they should work on being cooler

i can tell it's captivity i feel cause i pace around the kitchen exactly like i'd pace around my cell

**correction for the first post, i meant to write "but I end up applying it to a lot more things in general"

it feels like my whole life i've been trying to escape captivity and get to the woods. i'm pretty sure if i could have done literally anything i wanted as a kid it would have just been live at my grandparents camp up in the kahtadin lakes area. i got trapped in college and i escaped by not showing up to class or doing the paperwork for my student loans, i got trapped in employment, in the military no less, and i escaped by figuring out how to have a breakdown, i got trapped in employment again and tried to find a new way out which subsequently lead to me being captured by the police, but i managed to squirm my way out of there too. in nearly all of these periods of my life, the goal in mind was to get to a place where i could have the means to buy my grandparents old house that was near the camp while doing research work or something which to me basically sounds like play. i'm almost there, at least to the woods that is, just a few more years and i'm finally free. i suspect that when this happens i'm going to be much more successful with my attempts to restore my attention, something in me is just refusing to make real headway on this while i'm still in captivity.

i feel like i'm starting to get a better picture about the differences between me and a lot of other people, why i seem to do things slower but feel like i understand them better, why i'm less afraid but incredibly anxious, ect. i think generally speaking, i end up understanding things at a greater depth and am utilizing a distinctly different level of abstract thinking than a large number of people do. many still only utilize this kind of thinking in very specific circumstances, such as remembering social code, understanding rules/technical stuff for work, ect, but end up applying it to a lot more things in general. so because the rest of the kids in school are engaging with math on a much more surface level, i have the best understanding of math in the room minus potentially the teacher, i finish the test last and get the highest score in the class, nearly always 100's unless i didnt show my work out of spite. but i was really always almost the last person finishing the test. i'm not quite sure where i learned to think like this but if i had to guess it would be under the critical eye of my dad, not wanting to look foolish, and in doing so figured out how to be "more correct"/coherent than him. if my focus remained intact i suspect i would have been a savant at anything i dived into. there were a lot of signs of this, the most prominent one being how my family and others reacted to me learning the sax. but in that example also lies the mechanism by which i learned to obliterate my attention. you're never allowed to not want to please others so all you're ever able to do is make yourself disappoint them so they fuck off. we're all born into a prison that they keep you in with eye contact, attention, and incentives and something in me wanted to escape. i started getting uncomfortable if they could hear me, getting distracted by other things so much so that now if the link is made in my brain between doing something and someone possibly being happy about that, if they're not around it is significantly more difficult for me to do the thing in general unless i'm consciously using them wanting me to do the thing as a motivator, which seems to only go so far until i find a way to get lazy about it again. this is why using smoking as a motivator has seemed to be incredibly effective at getting me to do shit i consciously want to do.

i dont know when this happened, but i've returned to walking almost exclusively on my tip toes since i've lost weight. it feels so much better to be able to move like myself again, i cant wait to see what else changes by the end of this summer

i've had a ton of success with getting myself to workout and fast by motivating myself with weed and i feel like i'm getting dumber the longer i go without reading being a habit (chance thats the weed tho) and i feel like starting the day on the computer is also a big roadblock when it comes to finding the motivation to do other things like play the piano so i'm trying to keep myself to only being allowed to smoke if i start my day with reading and only smoking when i workout, run, practice singing in the woods and practice piano. i think i'll tie working out to hunger anxiety from fasting (you get hungry and kinda anxious like 4 hours after you eat but you dont actually need to eat, your body just wants you to remain vigilant about the source of food and wants you to store body fat), though i think i might want to limit how much volume of smoke i'm taking in for that and only smoke a significant amount for running and practicing piano. if things slip i think i'm not touching weed for a couple months

i lost all my firefox tabs and as a result fell out of habit on checking in here lol

now to keep up with music stuff (been doing guitar somewhat successfully)

it's so dope my abs are coming back