Bear @TheBearEXE@masto.anarch.cc

I'm numb to everything and there's no way out. I'm functional, but there's nothing left at all for me but suck it up, because no one's coming to help in the way. I just feel disappointed to know that I'm emotionally mutilated and that it didn't have to be this way necessarily. I'm more alone in my mind that I ever have been the more I improve myself. It's bullshit that I'm so good at casually dissociating that it doesn't matter anymore if I'm without much new human contact anymore--they'd all disappoint and hurt me anyway even if I do nothing at all to warrant it.

Reading vol2 has confirmed a few of my suspicions on Marx's later theory. The way he talks about circuits and how commodity production becomes capitalist commodity production is also clearly inspired by his Russian studies. Marx was drawing out these distinctions to understand internal economies like Russia.

The Russian commune for him was a transitional form that was midway between full seperation from the MoP and labour-power and its integration. Hence it stood in the way of capitalist production of commodities.

Plekhanov and Zasulich deliberately hid Marx's "centrism" on the question and paved the way for Lenin's incoherence in his Development of Capitalism in Russia and, eventually, for the Hilferdingian illusions and German war economy model.

Marx even talks about Russian land owners needed credit and state assistance! This ties back into his discussion of spiral pattern, Sismondi and how the first few cycles of capital began through statecraft. Marx rejects the idea that Capital springs forth dialectically through a movement of pure abstractions. The dialectical character of Capital is explained through the seperation of labour-power and the MoP.

Interesting that the "birthmark" shows up here. These vol2 manuscripts were written around the same time Marx wrote the GothaCritik (1875).
Reminds me, Jan Appel mostly deduced the main points of GothaCritik through a close reading of vol1-3, with quite a few vol2 references. He only read the GothaCritik after his initial studies for the GIK.
Apparently, Gothacritik wasn't a circulating text at the time, despite it creating a bit of a scandal in the late 1890s.

I straight up am making my ADHD worse by switching between 20 different books and papers and trying to keep notes for myself.

I will lay awake until 3am in the morning after reading a few pages of Vol2 and trying to work out in my head some key questions.

I've started using OneNote to keep track of everything. I try to copy and save any rants I go on in DMs with people about X or Y, because they're useful reminders of my previous train of thought .

It's weird. I've never cared to keep a diary or remember my own thoughts until recently. The way my memory works always was strange, and mostly served to torture me emotionally. But now that I have a purpose in using it, I do notice that I've started to make associations with past moments in my life again. Some good, some bad.

Did I mention that I listen to a TTS read me pdfs most of the day at work? I'm a bit insane, but also, it's a good way to squeeze out as much value out of the work boredom. Still can't believe I'm paid to mostly do nothing from 12 to 9pm. At least I can feel this self-hypnosis is having an effect on my intellect.

What if I just put Bakunin's anti labour aristocracy rants on Mao memes and see if anyone would realize lmao

>ADHD brain
>too many things to read
>too many things to do
>no time to make anything coherent

lmao