severe cruelty, transphobia, suicide,
Earlier today by chance online I came across a young trans person who was mocking me for being a public figure trans woman who “didn’t voice train” as if I had committed some sin by not presenting “correctly” as a public figure.
At first I couldnt help but laugh at the desperate cruelty of it. Obviously I voice trained like crazy for years. I warm up my voice for 40 minutes at the start of every stream. I just…consciously over time moved away from pushing myself to always be hyper femme. I did that diligently for years when I had to to survive, but its strenuous and not fully genuine to who I am.
Out of curiosity, I clicked their profile to discover endless borderline suicide posting, extensively going out of their way to post in the most negative and toxic trans spaces on the web.
I have recieved a lot of cruelty over the years from other trans people. Some of the cruelest shit imaginable. often from younger trans people. If it was anyone else treating me like that it would be nothing for me to laugh at their own misery they’re projecting onto me. But…I cant just laugh that off.
People like this could have at least had a shot at happiness and freedom from self hate if the world was just less than endlessly hostile towards trans people.
I remember my own self hate and some of the cruel thoughts I had in my own mind then. I can never imagine feeling motivated to post those publically about someone, but still. I know the pain self hate causes. the distortion.
Hatred and prejudice have cascading effects. It just cuts away at all of us. Cruelty begets even more cruelty. and the young trans ppl try to kill the “old” (by a few years lmao) ones to soothe their pain.
What a stupid and meaningless cycle. many of these hateful, putrid, toxic self hating racist chan culture trans ppl will die. self inflicted or otherwise. and there can be no peace found in that because they only became that way and twist the knife in their own because they were bludgeoned into self consuming self hatred.
but also why the fuck twist the knife in me?! because I happened to raise my voice at all? fucking meaningless.
severe cruelty, transphobia, suicide,
@DemonMama yeah wow... what the fuck
severe cruelty, transphobia, suicide,
@DemonMama I seen this quite a lot. I tend to hang around transmasc spaces more than transfemme, and if some True Man’s Man(TM) is being a pill in the comments, and you check their post history, it’s usually a pre-t or nonpassing young man with a lot of depressed, angry, and/or suicidal posts. I pity them, but inflicting that hurt onto others with the enforcement of rigid gender expectations is, like you said, meaningless.
severe cruelty, transphobia, suicide,
@DemonMama I think the reason is that they project their fears into you
trans people truly are some of the most transphobic folks out there, mostly because of fear and self hate
in this case I think that they were mocking you because they don't want the image of "trans people" to be like that because that image is also the image that other may people project into them and also is something that they may not want to be for x or y reason
theres a lot of "elitism" around transness, if youre a public figure you have to fit certain criteria or people will get mad at you, theres a reason to it, again, fear cuz of transphobia
because all of that projects into themselves so they become extremely scared and hostile about things like that
(on the other side there is elitism from trans people with money and access to everything at the time they needed it but thats different)
its horrible u_u
severe cruelty, transphobia, suicide,
@DemonMama i see this happen a lot. watching Liv agars videos on ressentiment helped me grasp it a lot better
@DemonMama It's real easy sometimes to laugh it off as another troll & forget there's a person on the other side of the screen until moments like that happen tbh. It's harder hating ourselves than it is to hate another person I think, esp when we can leverage ourselves over them as better in some way & feel better as a result. Moreso if we think it'll make us more accepted. I'm not trans, but I kinda went through that self hate when I was in the closet. It's heartbreaking, & uselessly toxic
@DemonMama
its always wild to see young trans people do this. idealy seeing you should be liberating as you're someone proudly living the life you do, not bothered by being nonconforming in certain aspects and, well, happy.
Happier than the ones sending you these things anyway.
As a nonbinary person and a person in general I suppose, upholding hyper-cisnormative standarts is exhausting, painful even and sometimes dysphoric.
There are plenty of cis people that look like alot of " non-passing" transes, yet we and the cis expect ourselves to uphold these standards 24/7. Which is insane even for most cis people.
Some commit to it and try their best, but these types are often about as miserable as any of us trying to conform.
Tl;dr: idk i guess everyone needs to unclench their buttcheeks and relax a little about upholding hyper-cisnormative standarts of presentation.
@DemonMama I agree, you can't really separate ingroup violence from the violence inflected upon that group by broader society. 
severe cruelty, transphobia, suicide,
@DemonMama that makes me think of my friend groups discord where this one person (cis-het-male) had a hot take on trans loudness and visibility.
“I will never understand people who advertise themselves as trans. like, I understand Jess having funny username in this private server, and letting people know that you're trans because it's important to be genuine with people, but like, people whose usernames on twitter have [TRANS] in them or like, people who plaster trans flags everywhere, or have usernames (esp in kid games like splatoon, smash, even rec room and stuff) like "trans this or that" and stuff like that. I don't get it. I thought the point was that you have transitioned and the new thing is what you ARE. *Why* are you shouting to everyone "HEY I WAS A GIRL AND NOW I AM A BOY" and vice versa? It seems tacky, seems needless, seems like a cry for attention for the sake of being different. I don't yell at people "HELLO I AM STRAIGHT AND CISGENDER YEEHAW" because that's cringey to me. The whole trans rights movement is a thing and it's extremely important for people to be able to live how they want but like. These people are the people that make the whole community something that I abhor even if I love people in it, like y'all. My feelings on the whole thing are mixed. Do you guys feel the same way about that as I do? or am i missing some crucial thing that makes people want to shout to the universe that they transitioned/are transitioning?”
And this was in a discord full of queer folk. We listened and talked, no one got mad at anyone. But I know I was upset behind the screen and I have a feeling the group was. Especially when the OG person didn’t really reply back. I hope they were reflecting, but I don’t know. It just felt like even in a space that should be safe there was someone who clearly had some less than savory ingrained beliefs that bled through in the convo. They really kept pointing to the “loudness” of trans people and almost separating it from being gay. There is a reason we must be loud…
@DemonMama It's heartbreaking how cruel we can be to one another, especially when we know those pressure points to cause the most pain. I'm sorry you were treated that way, it's entirely unacceptable. I also feel for the awful place that person is in, but it it is no excuse.
Personally, I don't voice mod and feel ambivalent about it and whether I would be able to keep it up, particularly because of multiple neurodivergences that make thinking and talking at the same time hard enough.
I hope it's not inappropriate to say that I think your voice is lovely and doesn't sound like anything other than you to me. Take care x
@BR1NA thank you Br1na, seriously ;w;
re: severe cruelty, transphobia, suicide,