ZiaNitori @ZiaNitori@masto.anarch.cc

i've had a ton of success with getting myself to workout and fast by motivating myself with weed and i feel like i'm getting dumber the longer i go without reading being a habit (chance thats the weed tho) and i feel like starting the day on the computer is also a big roadblock when it comes to finding the motivation to do other things like play the piano so i'm trying to keep myself to only being allowed to smoke if i start my day with reading and only smoking when i workout, run, practice singing in the woods and practice piano. i think i'll tie working out to hunger anxiety from fasting (you get hungry and kinda anxious like 4 hours after you eat but you dont actually need to eat, your body just wants you to remain vigilant about the source of food and wants you to store body fat), though i think i might want to limit how much volume of smoke i'm taking in for that and only smoke a significant amount for running and practicing piano. if things slip i think i'm not touching weed for a couple months

@exiliaex yugioh card text atm

@exiliaex my phone at this point is just the worlds worst tablet and i'm constantly losing it and not bothering to find it. it hasnt been in service for like a year at this point. i think i'll figure out how i want to fit twitter in better once i've got a routine going, but i kind of use it differently. to me it's an app for people watching and picking apart social behavior and while i'm sure i could grow into a more interesting person if i spent more time reading something instead of destroying my literacy on that website, i'm also definitely getting something useful from it and i keep managing to meet some interesting characters every now and then

@exiliaex for me i just kept the tab open next to other tabs i used regularly and i'd usually end up checking once a day which is usually the habit i want to be in with social media that unless i'm arguing with someone or trying to have an interesting conversation

i lost all my firefox tabs and as a result fell out of habit on checking in here lol

@exiliaex i didnt manage to keep up with it but i've finally managed to stop smoking an ungodly amount of weed every day so i'm expecting some more progress on that now that my days feel twice as long lol

now to keep up with music stuff (been doing guitar somewhat successfully)

it's so dope my abs are coming back

it's a mile walk/jog to where my PO's office is, i wonder if i can integrate checking in with my workout habits in general

fell off smoking habits, should probably get back on that since that makes it easier to slip on other things

@exiliaex that channel is the devil

@exiliaex i think i mean this in a sort of specific sense. to me beauty is just what dazzles and to me being dazzled is just a kind of incuriousity at whatever you're observing. i think what dazzles us is what we see dazzle others and we mirror that, things that look impressive sound impressive, things that catch attention, but not things that have anything to say once they have it. i dont want to be dazzled, i want something that wants to speak to me. i dont need something that expects me to speak for it out of social custom. watching people be dazzled by shitty artists who just play in an attention grabbing way or watching the way people reflexively drool over people who are attractive or even worse when it's over a "type" like sperging at seeing a goth girl or some other particular aesthetic they're trying to define themselves with or in relation to, these things feel so limp dead obnoxious and awful and in the particular case of physical attraction/fetishization intensely dehumanizing in the "reducing someone to a particular desired one dimensional role" kind of way.

also every time i call something beautiful there's almost always a better word if i could collect my thoughts properly, it's just a catch all for liking something about something. it's a disservice to the particular thing i'm admiring if i'm trying to categorize it as having a similar property to an unrelated thing simply for reacting in a positive way. the way toradora! grabs my attention is different than why sunshines hair does and i want to know specifically why i love these things to really appreciate them

it's wild that most people have internalized the idea that to be more attractive they have to become a really boring predictable automatic character. like sorry, the character you learned to play watching porn growing up isnt attractive to be around it's just you being lazy and probably cowardly, the only reason it works on other people is because both parties are desperate

starting to think i hate beauty as well as the general fascination with appearance, physical or otherwise

i dont even feel like i've got proper self discipline yet, i'm just maneuvering myself around my habits and trying to hold myself to a rule or two like "no smoking without working out first" or "no eating until a certain time of day"

i feel like more hard control over myself is possible and i'm getting more capable of it every day

my fasting is now pretty routine and i'm hovering at 180 and i'm still continuing to drop weight. going to get back into the heavier workout schedule i had before the girls came over where i only smoke after i work out and every time i feel anxiety i get up from the computer and work out. the plan is to slowly phase out smoking every time i work out to just be very occasional and eventually be able to take bigger tolerance breaks. this should happen within 2 weeks and if it doesnt i should probably just stop smoking and reset tolerance regardless. once the weather starts cooperating i'll be able to start my day with running which will make all of this shit significantly easier to be consistent on. my abs are already visible and not having all that fat on me has made me noticeably less sluggish and done wonders for my mood which is helping me keep up with practicing the guitar and helping me get myself set up to practice the piano. i still gotta find a consistent way to get out in the woods to practice singing and i gotta get in a routine that has me journaling throughout the day, but that probably gets easier when i'm running every morning cause journaling after a run feels pretty natural

i would like to have a clear delineation between which of you are illiterate or fascistic so i can narrow down my friend groups to include only people who i'm pretty sure arent retarded so i can speak and think more freely but basically everyone is a coward which in this and many other circumstances leaves them sending signals that overlap with signals sent by fascists

grow a fucking spine and tell culty fascists to blow their brains out, it's not fucking hard if you arent a servile little bitch

really depressing that my post criticizing obvious fascist retards like mao get noticeably less interaction because marxoid retards treat him like one of their holy figures so their ethics of reading the room keep them silent despite us having relatively similar stated politics

obviously thats not the case, but the conscious mind has to continue to be enchanted by others to have a chance at ensnaring another or getting to experience a boring thrill. just stupid games you learn to play when you're groomed into thinking that your heart beating fast is analogous to having fun by a society that runs on fear