ZiaNitori @ZiaNitori@masto.anarch.cc

finding the ways in which i make myself blind to myself are important and the best ways of doing that are often looking at the differences between you and others, and one thing that's come to my attention recently is that i have a different experience on acid than others seem to. it seems like my ego keeps appearing as if it's mostly intact when this seems to get obliterated in others

the goals of this trip arent very specific but the general direction is trying to get me more in a position to get my shit together now that the court shit is clearing up

tabs in, went with 2 this time because it felt like the right dose

acid day, think i'm gonna keep the posting mostly to here from now on

i remember before all of them became completely unthinking soldiers for china/russia i'd talk to some of them and while it was clear they were unthinking authority cucks who were just following whatever the group did, they were always a little lost, always a little unconfident, uncertain with their words. now that they've been given the proper story of the grand battle for History they know who the good guys and bad guys are and brainlessly shout slogans with all the confidence in the world

i've often thought that their place on the internet doesnt look organic because of how lockstep they get with certain countries every word and feel like this is the result of a really minimal amount of investment by countries like china and russia into social media. these people already wanted to act like a state, they just needed help in figuring out what flags to fly

re: post on main, i actually started calling MLs reactionary a long time back because to me a person was a reactionary if their politics were simply built at face value reaction to something else, not meaningfully critiquing or reframing it, but simply trying to agitate a mob in reaction to it and MLs locked in their battle for history against The West perfectly meet that definition

i wonder how much of my bad habits are just adaptations of the sneaky mindset i was in while living with my parents and getting away with staying up at night watching tv and playing games as long as i could

forgot to get to journalling today, need to start that as soon as i finish meditating tomorrow in the morning. i really need to not check twitter in the morning, it fucks my reward system up so hard

i also have this need to teach people all these cool things i've learned so they can grow in ways that make them more able to have human conversations with me, but that's a really bad habit in some cases. when learning about yourself you generally only make progress when you are exploring and discovering for yourself, not interpreting directions. it only serves to attract people who're looking to follow directions, that are looking for you to fix (invest a lot of time and attention in) them. the best thing i can do to help others is lead by example and shine as bright as i can for those who want to grow with me. it's time to really try to unlearn a lot of my neuroticisms about detecting where someone is at mentally/emotionally so i can focus on myself. i dont really need to obsess about the specifics of where any of my partners are at now that i've got a pretty good read on all of them, i just need to give them the space to grow and learn the things they were too scared to learn as kids. my anxiety is going to stifle their progress towards that goal more than it'll give me useful info to help them get there

need to stop getting super excited every time i see a sign that a mutual is a thinking person (for example, demonstrating the ability to empathize and understand people they disagree with). it's a leftover reaction from the period of time where i'd just fall (in love) for anyone who looked like they agreed with me in a meaningful way, using the promise of attention and affection to try to capture their attention. i know how easily that stuff can be faked now, i just didnt expect others to be so blind to parts of themselves i'd be able to see (and be looking for) in myself. i'm just so used to being a deeply lonely person that i've just wired myself to try to rope in people who make me feel like i'm talking to another human being and not just myself. but i'm not alone anymore. i dont have to do that, and while i want to help create liferafts for interesting people i really need to get focused and prepare for my future so i can actually successfully make those liferafts

man some people just worship misery

i feel like i'm growing faster than i ever have, ty psychedelics and amazing gfs

getting Mad at people wearing sweatshirts because they're mocking me. their lack of a bowtie is just to spit in my face. this aggression will not go unmatched. under socialism i will...

@destroy @exiliaex @nando161
my grandparents camp was in the gray/black area up in maine and i hated not being able to see the stars much in other places. think i gotta find a place in oregon

@exiliaex this should have been the banner for the YH podcast

this website feels cozier