ZiaNitori @ZiaNitori@masto.anarch.cc

fucked up making the calls yesterday but i should have it today

between the place where i can work out being dramatically colder than the rest of the apartment (/my retarded comfort seeking impulses) and the random bloody noses i've been getting that seem to be triggered by nothing, it's been really hard for me to feel up to doing any physical activity

@orphy i was kind of a twink with no body fat and all muscle before and it only brought me barely overweight for my height, and even then it wasnt super noticeable because it went to my legs. i never worked out my upper body before the military basically because i liked looking fem but didnt realize it

@orphy i was athletic growing up and running always came really easy to me, partially cause i'm tall w/ long legs. but i went from like 150lbs to 220 in the military from stress. now i want to get some muscle on me so the weight i think i wanna get around to is like 185, but i gain muscle quick so idk

gonna stay up to make some calls. gonna smoke a little to relax before doing that. if this leads to me not making the calls i'm not smoking (unless company is over) for a month at least

@orphy i actually love running and after a week of doing it consistently i can pretty easily manage 10+ miles, i'm just in maine and i fucking hate running in the cold. by being more active i was thinking of light workout stuff in the apartment.

despite being less productive than i'd hoped, i'm still staying under 200lbs so that's dope. if i can get myself to go for a walk occasionally i might start pushing myself to be more active

@exiliaex sam harris in shambles

@DemonMama i think the closest thing you can get to a substantial thing to talk about out of the left mra stuff is talking about how the way people internalize slogans leads to weird group behavior. leftists will point out about how reactionaries making racist jokes leads to actual animosity towards brown people but be blind to it with their own jokes about hating men. often the people making the joke at least on the leftist side of things are more or less really joking, but the dumbest people in their audience kind of just roll with it and internalize it unconsciously. they can do weird men hating behaviors and then fall back to that they're joking. there's a lot of other examples of this that could be interesting to talk about too though i dont really care about it too much because i dont really care about leftism and leftist spaces and think it's kinda funny when they hurt themselves in confusion

woke up too late to make any of the calls i planned to make and genuinely cant tell if i need to stay up and do them in the morning before i go to sleep or go to sleep early

@orphy i think that we learn behaviors to get out of giving adults what they want, but to do those behaviors we have to play a character, and, because we're young and not equipped with acting skills we have to method act, and believe ourselves to be those characters. all you gotta do is find a way to overcome whatever scared you enough to want to be like that

@orphy if they cant get you out of your shell that's because you resisted them, you just need to straighten yourself out of the contortions you put your self through to resist them. i didnt resist them and the contortions i had to put my self through to get out after 2.5 years has still got me fucked up

some of this behavior is good. i think it's good to be in a half dream state and think just a little bit more honestly about what it is that i want from others, and the person on my mind most frequently is someone i definitely benefit a lot from thinking about a lot, esp with how they brush up against my neuroticisms. the longer i think about them the more easily i'm able to see the person i need to be to help them grow (or probably more accurately, the more i can see what i need to stop doing that's preventing them from feeling safe enough to grow in the first place) and that person is more patient, less neurotic, and most of the time more or less entirely the kind of person i wanted to grow into anyway. it makes me feel safer and better prepared to engage with them (otherwise my default is to just gush affection in their general direction)

it's possible i'm using the period of the morning where i'm half asleep in a way that's not good. i spend too much time, lets call it, thinking about the very attractive and wonderful people i have in my life as a way to distract and disorient myself waking up so i dont remember to follow any clear and definite goals i set up for myself the day(s) prior

in retrospect i think i waited too long to start the trip, its definitely going to make me asleep at the times when i need to get around to making calls to places

very excited about this, new things to uncover about how zia works i suppose

nope, i actually lost it here, though i feel like that was more due to me distracting myself with allie. i was basically nonverbal the second the idea of watching myself was in play, like i'd been caught or something

wave of sexual arousal, but i still think i'm more or less communicable for all of it

obviously the most likely explanation is some kind of self deception but if that's the case i'm not sure how it works